Fart Wars
by dogfarts888
Summary: Rey and Kylo try to out-fart each other through their force bond. Warning: if you read this fic you will never get those minutes of your life back. Crackfic. Kylux/Reylo vibes.


**Rey and Kylo try to out-fart each other through their force bond.**

**warning: crackfic. if you read this story you will never get those minutes of your life back.**

**I just find farts funny I'm immature k**

* * *

A rumbling noise echoes throughout the Supreme Leader's private chambers.

Kylo wakes up to the smell of something that smells like a cross between beans and cheese.

Almost appetizing.

Had the droid delivered breakfast? No...there was a rancid edge to the smell. Something akin to bantha butthole.

Another waft assaults his nostrils. Shit. He knows the source of the funky stench.

"Goddamnit Rey, I told you to close the Force connection when you have gas."

Her only response is loud, bubbly fart. Kylo wrinkles his nose.

"Stop FARTING on me Rey," He sits up in bed and shouts.

He never knew Rey could be so gross. When she showed up to try and convince him to be good, she took the time to look nice. Her hair was brushed back, eyelashes long, and she added a tint of lipgloss from the Rite Aid on Ahch-To to her luscious lips.

She also has a fine, fine round ass.

Was this his punishment for staying dark? She was going to use that fine ass to punish him?

Then again, what did he expect from a girl raised in the desert?

Rey is dusty, dirty, and apparently very flatulent.

Kylo tries to answer her in kind by mustering up a fart. He strains, face turning red from the effort, until a sad sounding whistle leaves his ass.

"HA!" He yells into the air, "Take _that, _rebel scum!"

Kylo is embarrassed to admit that as Supreme Leader he is engaging in fart wars with Rey, but he's just so fucking tired of her out-stinking him. He's done with constantly waking up to the stench of butthole in the air every morning.

"Sir?" There is a knock on his door.

Hux.

"Yeah yeah, come on in you sexy prissy ginger," Kylo says, opening his bedchamber doors. He wonders if Hux toots. If he does, they are probably silent but deadly.

Kylo intends to find out.

"Hux, I want you to fart. Muster up the nastiest gas bubble possible and let it rip my favorite general."

"_Sir,"_ Hux gasps, "what has gotten into you?"

"I am in a stank-off with Rey."

Hux's eyes narrow.

"I don't quite understand what a stank-off is. With all due respect Supreme Leader, no one is in your bedchamber but you and I."

"Are you going to be able to squirt one out or not?!" Kylo shouts, approaching temper tantrum territory.

Hux closes his eyes and sighs.

The only noise in the room is the sound of butt cheeks flapping followed by a dignified release of gas.

Kylo inhales deeply.

It smells rich and full bodied with notes of sulfur.

Just like Hux, it is the perfect fart.

Rey feels closer now, he can sense her manifesting through their bond. She suddenly appears, and she's holding her nose.

"That's cheating. You can't ask Hux to fart for you."

"I don't play by your rules," Kylo spits, pulling his pants down to his knees, "Eat THIS Rey," he wiggles his bottom. A thunderous fart hits her, and Kylo knows his ass-gass is successful when she gags.

Hux groans.

"Oh," Kylo stands, brows furrowed in worry, "I need to change my undies. I sharted."

"Goddamnit Kylo," Hux and Rey say at the same time.

Rey strides over to Kylo and kicks him square in the chest. He dramatically falls backwards, landing on his back. Rey squats above his face and a low, wet, whine dribbles out of her butt.

It's a direct hit and Kylo burps to keep from vomiting.

"Fuck Rey," Kylo growls, "you're going to give me pink eye!"

"That's enough!" Hux barks, "There is a galaxy to dominate and I will not waste time observing you passing-vapors on each other!"

It is hard for Kylo to take the sexy general seriously for many reasons, but especially right now: Following Hux's reprimand is a long, long wheezing wail that spans for almost five full minutes.

"Well god-kriffing-damn," Kylo stands and shakes Hux's hand passionately, "Neither of us have been able to master farting for more than a minute. You've out-tooted us all, general."

"Congratulations Hux," Rey reaches out to shake his free hand, "Kylo and I need to level up our fart game."

Armitage Hux turns bright red. He bends in a curt bow.

_Pffffffffffft_, a ripe, little fart squeaks out.

"Why, thank you."

Kylo can't help but stare in admiration. Together, he and Hux will join forces and stank up the galaxy like never before.


End file.
